


i was wrong?

by queencerseitargaryen



Series: in the wrong place, in the wrong time [2]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Different Names, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, i don't like history, slight suicidal thoughts, so my timeline makes no sense, this is what i wanted to write though??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6703129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queencerseitargaryen/pseuds/queencerseitargaryen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>What if you find your soul mate... at the wrong time… in the wrong life?</i><br/>-<br/>Xander was awakening, as a ginger man in strange clothes in the middle of a blood red battle field. Looking for the wrong person<br/>-<br/>Juan wasn’t awakening though, and he didn’t know why, because he should be. All he can remember from his past was the name Alexander Hamilton.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i - cold in my professions

**Author's Note:**

> You should probably read the first work in the series called [just you wait...](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6638377), unless this one won't make a lot of sense. But it also might make sense aswell, I don't know, read it then com back here anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my timeline for the 'real history' in here is a bit out. I know John and Alex knew each other before Alex knew Eliza, but I'm writing a story and not a history textbook so roll with it. Also there are far too many Hamilton lyrics thrown in here.

Xander was warm, Xander was safe, but God Xander felt more tired than he had ever felt. His brain was trying to process what was going on, he couldn’t understand. Xander was awake, but not awake in his body.

* * *

There was war and blood and loss, so much loss. He had pale skin and ginger hair, a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. Alexander was ready to fight, to lose his life if he had to. Yes, he wasn’t proud of what he’d done and no he didn’t want anyone to live his life again, but he had to do this. He had to fight for America. 

Alexander is a new soul, so Alexander has no alliances and no soulmate to find. So Alexander can die. Alexander enjoyed fighting, hell he even wanted to fight, he wanted to die. To join his mother on the other side. 

He heard the General’s voice in his head though, _Dying is easy young man, living is harder._

Alexander had never took the easy way out. Alexander had fought to come to America, and if dying was easy, he couldn’t die. He had to live, just to spite what they say to him. Alexander was going to live, Alexander was going to find a soulmate and make his successor proud. Yes, he was non-stop and yes he writes and fights like he’s running out of time, but Alexander was. His entire life he had being running out of time, never knowing if he would make it to the next day. He would live to spite that, for once he would think past tomorrow. 

_After the war,_ everything would happen after the war. For now he had to think about only tomorrow because a British henchman could come and take his life now if he didn’t keep his eyes open and his ears alert. 

Alexander was going to make history, Alexander would change America. He was determined to, because he knew that he could. Now he just had to find the person that would let him. Nathanael Greene had already tried to hire him. To be his secretary, the same as Henry Knox. Alexander could just be a secretary, he was worth more. Yes he could write until the world stopped spinning and the sun goes dark, but he wanted to use his words to change the world, not write letter telling families of their losses. 

George Washington was the next person to approach him. General Washington already had aide-de-camps, so Alexander wasn’t overly hopeful about the position he would be offered. However he would accept, General Washington was the man who was save America from the British and Alexander was going to help him. He was going to be known for what he did here, whether that way dying on the battlefield like a martyr or rising above his station.

* * *

Xander rolled around on top of his blankets, whimpering apologies to those around him. In his dreams he was young, scrappy and hungry. Xander needed to find Eliza or Bethany or whatever they called her in this life. Once you find your soulmate during your awakening, you come back to your current life and the two lives become intertwined seamlessly, as if it was never taken from you. 

Juan held Xander carefully, petting his hair as Xander whispered and thrashed. Juan knew what was going on wasn't right, he shouldn't be able to hold Xander and protect him from his memories like this. Juan should be on the floor screaming and crying at life he can only imagine was hell for him if this is who he is now. 

Soulmates awaken at the the same time, and when they meet they return to their current bodies, feeling like they have never been parted. Juan did feel like he hard been parted from his Alexander though, while he felt the fire I'm his heart for him. Juan also felt a twinge of regret and sadness, because somehow against all the odds he managed to miss his Alexander, when that shouldn't be possible. He should feel like Alexander never left him, so there would have been no need to miss Alexander. 

Juan had known this boy ten minutes, but he would protect him with his life and maybe he did, and that's why the world doesn't want him to remember his trauma as John Laurens. If he didn't know better he would climb in behind Alexander and hold him still by grasping at his waist and pulling him so close to his chest there would barely be space for the rise and fall of Juan’s chest. Except Juan couldn't, what if Alexander felt uncomfortable or hurt, he knew nothing of this boy’s current or past life. So Juan would just pet his hair and whisper him praises until he returned to his body, to Juan.

* * *

Alexander was now General Washington’s most valuable aide-de-camp, he wrote letters and argued with congress for Washington, and Alexander was the only one the General could trust to do so. So when General Washington promoted Charles Lee to a general. Alexander was angry to say the least, Alexander wasn’t afraid of death, infact he welcomed it. He wanted to see his mother again, and who was the General to deny him that. So after a heated argument with Washington, Alexander didn’t notice a new bed in his tent, or the handsome man lying in it. 

“Hello, you must be Alexander Hamilton?” A muffled voice came from underneath blankets and clothes. Alexander didn’t jump, but he did startle. Stumbling in circles until he found the body to which the voice belonged to and when Alexander saw his face with the dirty blonde hair all tousled from sleep framing his face, the small man with ginger hair was uncharacteristically speechless. He couldn’t find the words to say to his new friend. 

Eventually though, “I am Alexander, most people call me Hamilton though. You are?” Stuttered out of his mouth and for some reason Alexander regretted the way he had introduced himself. While he has never admitted it to himself, Alexander had always had a certain charm for males and his new friend was certainly filling that charm.

“I’m Lieutenant colonel John Laurens, but I think I can let you call me John. I’m a new aide-de-camp of General Washington. He said I was to assist you with your letters, and also write my own articles against slavery.” John said, sitting up and wrapping his blanket around himself. Making it clear to Alexander he was wearing no clothes underneath and making his ungodly affections the forefront of his thought. Alexander could only imagine the look on his face, because John was looking at him quizzically.

“I hope you don’t mind my nakedness, if it makes you more comfortable I’ll at least wear my underclothes in this tent.” John smirked at Alexander. God, Alexander hoped he was one of those people who just flirted with everyone regardless, because if John knew the thoughts running through his head right now, Alexander would be dead by morning. 

“If that is how you are comfortable, don’t fret about your modesty. I’m sure we’ve seen worse than a fellow soldier naked during the war.” Alexander laughed at John, and sat at his desk, pulling out paper and a quill without thought and finally relieved he didn’t have to look at John again. 

Despite only knowing the man with a beautiful face and hair he just wanted to run his hands through for ten minutes. Is it possible Alexander could have gotten it all wrong, while he always accepted the fact he liked girls and boys the same, had he been so desperate to prove he somehow fit in? Between being the bastard, orphan, son of whore and an immigrant, he couldn’t been seen as an abomination as well? He shouldn’t even be thinking about it, but Alexander was so sure that the one for him had been Elizabeth Schuyler. Alexander would never deny he loved Eliza with all of his heart, but the connect to John was instant and intimate and he wanted to act on it. 

Eliza had always been more connected to her sisters more than anyone else in the world though, so was it possible that Alexander had gotten this all wrong. He shouldn’t be bothered by someone he met ten minutes ago, god forbid it would be a man. 

***

It had been months since Alexander and John had met, and they were no further forward with abolishing slavery, or congress, or getting rid of the British. The only thing that had seemed to change was their relationship. They had become close, close friends in their small time together and Alexander was always left subconsciously wanting more after a small pat on the back or hand on the shoulder. 

Alexander was so close to acting on his feelings, because he could lose John at anytime. This was the one thing that couldn’t wait until after the war, because after the war they could be dead and Alexander would have to wait until his next life to see John again. If Alexander had of been alone, he may have shed some tears on the thoughts, but instead he wiped his eyes and smiled over at John who was writing away about slavery and it was inspiring to Alexander. He want to go and kiss John’s ink splattered hand and hold it in his own. Alexander just shook his head and tried to shake it off by picking up a letter he was currently writing to congress, asking for more supplies because they had just gotten an influx of recruits and nothing to feed them.

It must have been hours before John come and removed Alexander’s glasses from his face, leaving the word in front of him blurry and allowing him to rub his tired eyes. “I was nearly finished John!” Alexander grimaced at John, but he couldn’t keep the face up for long. Even looking at John made him smile uncontrollably. 

“I don’t care. You need to sleep Alexander, we both hate it when you’re tired.” John said, grabbing the quill out of Alexander’s hand and placing it on the desk. Then John grabbed Alexander’s hand and pulled him up from his chair with strong arms. John pulled him up so hard that Alexander fell into John, but he managed to catch himself with a small laugh and a face burrowed in John’s shoulder.

“Go to bed Alexander, your letter will still be there in the morning. You need to red, I can't see that head of your’s failing.” John smiled at him, and Alexander obliged. _Not tonight_ , this moment was perfect enough without Alexander having to ruin it by kissing John. 

***

“I am going to kill Charles Lee, I swear it. That man is so entitled! Even worse, he’s the most stupid General I've ever met. Even Lafayette would have made a better General when he spoke no English.” Alexander was fuming, red in the face with anger. Screaming at anyone and anything, Lee had just nearly lost them the Battle of Monmouth, by being an absolute fool. Lafayette and Hamilton had managed to clutch it back in time under Washington’s command. 

“Alexander, I’d tell you to calm down, but how can I when I’m just as angry at him. You can't kill him though, General Washington would send you home.” John explained, he may have said he was angry, but he didn't show it. He masked it behind sparkling eyes and small smile. The one that made Alexander’s heart flutter a little bit.

“John, he challenged me to a duel. I can't just stand there and aim for the sky when he has done so much wrong and cost so many lives.” The ginger man sighed so loud the entire camp probably heard him. 

“I'll do it. Alexander, you're the closest friend I've got.” John smiled and grabbed Alexander’s neck, gently but with enough force to make Alexander look at him. 

“Laurens,” Alexander knew the use of his surname would catch him off guard, “Do not throw away your shot.”

Alexander couldn't let John do it, what if Charles Lee lost him another soldier, never mind the one closest to him. The one which he wanted to go against the law to love. John his hand around Alexander's neck and it felt right and Alexander couldn't help himself and in his brain he was panicking, going at a million miles an hour, not knowing where to stop or what to do or how do it. So he just reached his hand out onto John’s cheek and smiled at him, Alexander had probably never smiled like this in his life, he was so close to pushing their faces together. 

Then he did. It was soft and warm and slow, but short. John didn't notice what was going on, but Alexander did and he had never felt more alive, or more motivated and there was his brain going non-stop again. He pulled himself away before John should scald him, Alexander had been so stupid, he had never been this stupid in his life and he wasn't about to start now, so he ran the five steps to his desk and ignored John. John couldn't be there anymore, because Alexander had gotten it wrong again. 

“Alex-Alexander?” John whispered, covering the space from where they were to Alexander's desk much slower than Alexander just had. Alexander didn't acknowledge him, he just grabbed his quill and his journal, began to write a letter to his mother. 

Suddenly John spun Alexander’s chair around and knocked the quill from his hand, not hesitating to pull the smaller man up full strength off his chair and unlike Alexander he crashed their lips together and it was hot and fast and angry, and Alexander could have swore it lasted for a lifetime before he ran out of breath. He tried to speak, but he couldn't find words when John was looking into eyes like that. So full of the passion and fire that Alexander poured into everything, but John had never seemed to portray until now. _Until Alexander._

John didn't say anything, he just caught a few breaths and kissed Alexander again, because when he kissed Alexander he had no problems, his father, the war, slavery and congress all seemed to disappear. It could just be him and Alexander against the world. Then John remembered what he read in book about soulmates. You can meet your soulmate in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Then they both had the same though at the same time, I can’t wait until our next life.

This life had too much death and too many rules, Alexander felt the connection and so did John, but their connect was treason and sodomy and however much they wanted to sin. They couldn’t lose each other, not now. So they would have to wait, hopefully they would put in the right time, in the right time. Where they would be allowed to fall in love.

“John, John, stop. Please.” Alexander whimpered, he didn’t want John to stop, but he needed him to. He couldn’t get attached, he couldn’t lose John. It was already too late for that though. John would be his, if not in this life. 

“Alexander? I’m sorry, I just -” John ducked his head, ashamed of himself for being so rash. He had been so sure Alexander felt the same, he felt the tug to the small ginger man. The one they described in the books on finding your soulmates. 

_New souls often find it difficult to find their soulmate, as they are so open to anyone and anything. However, they must find a soulmate, or their soul will be lost forever, because without a soulmate, you cannot pass on to another life._

So when Alexander felt his attraction to Eliza he had acted on it, marrying her almost instantly. He couldn’t lose himself, he would always have so much to do and so little time that ten lives wouldn’t be enough for him. He was a new soul though, he wasn’t supposed to know that attraction to Eliza was just attraction, nothing more. He didn’t know the feeling he was looking for, but the first time he met John, lying there in bed completely vulnerable to Alexander. Alexander should have known, because he felt safe and speechless and completely unlike himself, but like he could be everything he ever wanted to be around John. John didn’t scald him for assuming he was the smartest in the room or for wearing his opinions on his sleeve. John would listen to him, let him rant about Congress and the British and how Alexander hated being treated differently just because of his past. John wouldn’t let Alexander’s past define him, John had accepted his fear of heavy rain and loud noises. Alexander knew straight away, but he pushed it away because it was unnatural, it was sodomy and treason to love another man, never mind claiming them as your soulmate.

Alexander was John’s soulmate, and they both knew it and God Alexander wanted to do something about, but he had no words for John. Alexander felt a tear come to his eye, he didn’t wipe it away. He put his head on John’s shoulder and let the tears fall out. John kissed his head and stroked his head. 

“I want this so much John. I really do. I just I can’t lose you here. There’s too much war and death, and everyone I love has died,” Alexander didn’t bother to hide the sobbing in his voice, he sounded broken and his voice cracked in places, but he wrapped his arms around John’s slender frame and pulled him as close as humanly possible. “My dearest Laurens, I want to keep you in my life, but alas I cannot. In another life I promise. For now though, hold me?”

John nodded, until he realised Alexander couldn’t see him. “Alexander, you don’t have to ask. We’ve found each other now, and if the Gods are good. Our next live won’t be a place where this is treason. You’re shaking, lie down please.” Alexander lifted his head and let John lead him to his bed, where he rubbed the tears from Alexander’s eyes as they fell and kissed his forehead every time Alexander whimpered hatred at himself. 

“Please don’t hate yourself, it is not our fault. So maybe it wasn’t supposed to be in this life. You are happy with Eliza are you not, you’re going to have a child? I’d rather you be happy in this life, then force this. We will meet again, don’t you worry Alexander. For now, I’m here. I always will be, Alex.”

***

“Alexander? There’s a letter for you.” Eliza had gently knocked on the door and entered his office. 

“It’s from John Laurens, I’ll read it later.” Alexander smiled at his wife, reaching his hand out to take the letter from her. Eliza however was hesitant though, not smiling back at Alexander.

“No. It’s from his father.” As Eliza sighed, Alexander felt his world collapse. There is only one reason Henry Laurens could be writing to him, he gripped one hand to the table and grabbed Eliza’s hand with the other. 

“His father? Will you read it?” Alexander felt a tear fall on to his cheek. John was right, they were never going to get each other in this life and now Alexander had to wait. 

“On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against British troops retreating from South Carolina. The war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting 3000 men for the first all-black military regiment.” Eliza read until she too was crying the same tears as her husband. John had been nothing but a good soul, and the whole world should be mourning. 

“Alexander, are you alright?” Alexander got up from his chair and paced, wanting John to come and wipe his tears. Who was he supposed to be without John and he could feel an entire part of himself slip away, never to be seen until he found his John again. The Alexander that was often left speechless, and the Alexander who could let his tragic past overtake him because he knew that John would make it feel better, but now John was part of his tragic past and Alexander was already growing impatient to see him again.

* * *

Xander’s eyes flew open, his face felt hot and wet. He had been crying? Then he remember what just happened. Xander had been pulling boxes up the stairs, and then he had make eye contact with the most beautiful man he had even seen. Black hair, tan skin and all the freckles, God the freckles. Now Xander was here, laying on what he assumed was his new bed, a tan hand holding his. 

“John?” Xander sat up and raised his eyebrows. His John? It has been so long, John had died and left him alone. Wait, this wasn’t that life anymore. Alexander was Xander now, and now no one who your soulmate was. Then the words of John Laurens went through his head, _We will meet again, don’t you worry Alexander._ All Alexander had done since then was worry, worry that he would lose his John and when he did Alexander had been broken. But Xander didn’t have to worry about that, and now the persistent worry that had seemed to plague him throughout his life was lifted. 

“Oh, John. I’m not worried anymore. This is the right place, it has to be. I’ve waited so long,” Xander sighed and reached up onto his John’s face, “My name is Xander Javier now.”

“Juan Laurentis, but I liked it when you called me ‘My dearest Laurens’,” Juan grinned at Xander, trying not to laugh at him, he was perfect. He placed his own hand over Xander’s on his face, “I don’t care if this isn’t the right place, I don’t remember what happened or when, but if you’re Alexander Hamilton, all I know is there is no more war and this isn’t sodomy. So we better at least try this.”

“What do you mean you don’t remember anything, that’s impossible. You should have awakened by now? Juan, what’s going on? Why did only I awaken?” Xander shook his head and dropped his hands, stalking over to the boxes with his computer parts in, “Seriously Juan, that’s not normal.”

“I don’t know, Alexander. It’ll come to me eventually, but I could have lost you if I awakened though. You could have fell down all of those stairs. I don’t what happened between us the first time, but I can’t lose you again.” Juan sighed, sitting on the floor with Xander and watching him pull tangles of wires out of boxes. 

“Calm down for one minute Xander, please,” Juan grabbed his hand and pulled him close. “All I can remember is our last names, but I’ll remember in time okay?” Then Juan couldn’t help himself and pulled Xander’s face into his, pushing their lips together and while Juan didn’t remember much, he could remember the feeling he got when he did this. Juan felt helpless and breathless, he wants to never let go. Xander was pushing his lips back against Juan’s, and he had never felt this good. He tried to crawl closer to his Laurens without letting go of his lips, so to help Juan lifted him up slightly and put Xander on his lap. Xander wrapped his legs around Juan’s waist and this is what he had wanted all those centuries ago.

They parted and Juan’s eyes had went glassy from desire. “Did I say you could stop?” Xander laughed and pressed their foreheads together, “You know that my roommate only went grocery shopping and he could be back soon.” 

Juan laughed at him, “If I cared, I wouldn’t be sitting here in the middle of the floor with the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen sat on my lap. I want the entire world to know about us Xander.” 

Xander was done with being gentle, he passionately pressed his lips on Juan’s, pushing his tongue against the plump lips underneath his. Juan easily accepted Xander’s tongue and smiled into this kiss. He had never felt more at home. 

They stayed like that, with roaming hands and tongues and the loose connection of teeth on skin for however long until there was a cough at the still open door. “I don’t mean to intrude, but which one of you is actually my roommate? Xander, I believe.”

“You must be Eron Burns, Xander Javier. This is Juan Laurentis, it’s a little bit of a long story despite the fact I’ve only known him 2 hours.” Xander pushed himself off of Juan, grateful he was wearing baggy shorts to hide what Juan had managed to do him, his all over blush told a different story. Xander held his hand out to Eron, and shook it. The man had a strong handshake, Xander respected that.

“I’m sure I’d love to hear it, after all it looks like Juan might be spending a lot of his time here.” Eron smirked at the couple, because he already knew what was going on between them. He was Aaron Burr and across from him stood the man he shot and the man he barely knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried not to focus on John's POV a lot because there is going to be another chapter about this, then possible a third one if I feel inspired enough. Even if it's not about John and Alex, I will be writing more in this universe. Also I totally didn't nearly cry writing my own fanfiction.
> 
> Also that ending was totally unintentional and now I have to write a full story about Aaron Burr, but seriously back to John and Alex next time.


	2. ii - warm in my friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan had awakened in segments as he fell asleep each night and finally it was drawing to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is super dramatized, i am well aware he was just shot in battle.

Juan woke up from his sleep in a cold sweat, clutching his head and being glad not to find any blood. Instead of awakening all at once, the life of John Laurens had come back to him during his sleep, more nightmares than dreams, John was troubled, just like Juan. He looked over at his roommate, he had only introduced himself at ‘Hercules, no disney jokes needed’. He knew Hercules was too asleep to even notice when Juan slipped out of their room and strolled across the hall. Carefully opening the door to Xander’s room. 

Juan was surprised to find Eron, Xander’s roommate sat at his desk frantically typing away at his laptop. 

“At least I didn’t wake you up this time.” Juan laughed, but Eron barely acknowledged that Juan was there. So Juan just climbed into the small bed behind Xander, he barely stirred, just shifted his body to make room for his Laurens.

“No you didn’t wake me, but I do wish you would stop coming here with your problems. What wrong with your own room every once in awhile Laurentis?” Eron scowled, Juan ignored him. Eron was just tired and moody and Juan didn’t have to be responsible for that because for once in his 1am trips to Xander’s room he didn’t wake the guy who had turned out to be a light sleeper. 

Juan buried his head into Xander’s soft hair and began to whimper. Soft sobs escaping him with the tears to match. Juan had just had the worst nightmare since the memories of John Laurens had started to come back to him.

* * *

John was writing, replying to a letter his Alexander had just sent him. Alexander had been singing the praises of his first born son Philip. _Oh John, I have never been so proud in my life. Eliza says he will grow up to be like me, and that if he has a fraction of my mind, that would be enough. I cannot wait for you to meet him John! He is going to love his Uncle Laurens._

John had smiled at that, he understood that Alexander had to play his part as a husband now that the war was over. Alexander and John could no longer be angry teens, using each other when they needed to tear themselves apart. He missed the way Alexander’s eyes would light up when John grabbed his hand, and the way Alexander would just calm down around John. Elizabeth Schuyler could give him everything though, all John could give him was a smile and a reason to be executed. John was envious of Eliza though, so much that if they were in the same room John was sure he’d turn physically green at the sight of her. She got all Alexander had to offer, his wit, his intelligence, his body and his quirks. While John was left with an estranged wife and child who’s name he sometime forgot. _It’s Frances, he reminded himself_

John regretted every decision he had made in his life. Except for the one where he decided to love Alexander, because he knew that would be one that come to make his next life worth living. Even if it made his current life miserable, the pain of having to let Alexander go stalked him everyday. He had never been accepted here anyway, between his family and the war. John had no time to truely _live_. Except for the snippets of life he got when Alexander would hold him gently through the night, not when they were angry and fucking, but when they were sweet and calm and wanted nothing more than to be together. 

John was back in South Carolina now, and that meant he wouldn't see Alexander for years. Alexander’s children would grow without their Uncle Laurens, because now his father would demand him to find his wife, bring her here and lead a proper life. Maybe even force him into politics, the only good that could come out of politics is the chance at New York City. 

Right now he was at Charleston, ending up the war down south. Making sure all of the British have retreated, because that's what he had been told to do by General Washington. ‘Go south and don't come back’, is what John felt the general had meant. His new tent was so lonely without Alexander always sitting in the corner, with his quill scratching away at yet another piece of paper. 

_Tell Philip that his Uncle Laurens also cannot wait to meet his new nephew. My dearest friend, I will return to New York soon enough. I simply have nothing to do without your company, Alexander. Remember I love you,_

_Your dearest,  
Laurens_

John marked the envelope as he usually did with his letters to Alexander. A small ‘x’ in the bottom left hand corner of the envelope. This told Alexander that it was from John, and Alexander made sure those letter were opened by no one but him. Sometimes they were incredibly flirtatious, to the point that there could be a scandal if Alexander was found sending letters of that content to his own wife. 

What John would do to feel Alexander’s lip on his, if only once more. John had learnt to shake the feeling though, because one kiss would lead to John needing more and only being disappointed when Alexander couldn’t give it to him because Alexander had a wife and children whom he couldn’t let down. No matter how much he let John believe he wanted to have John to himself. 

“Lieutenant Colonel Laurens! British Forces!” One of his privates screamed into his tent. Ink splattered over the envelope that was supposed to go to Alexander. Right now, Alexander came second to his men, the men he has fought so hard to free. So he grabbed his gun and his sword and tried to pull his boots all at the same time before John realised he didn’t have three hands, but it didn’t matter to him. These were his men, and the British were coming for them because they didn’t know the war was over. He was not going to lose the men he fought for, he would rather lose his own life then let his men die. 

These were his men and he wasn’t going to cower away and let these people protect him. John was going to protect his men, because they were all he had left to fight for.

* * *

That was when Juan had woken up the first time, he had been shaking and crying and cold, but sweating at the same time. Juan knew the pain that followed and he knew he should find Xander, but he was so exhausted and so tired, he didn’t want to walk the distance to the room Xander shared with the lightest sleeper he had ever encounter. So Juan rolled over and buried his face into his pillow, trying to forget about what memories would await him when he fell back asleep.

* * *

The redcoats mixed with the red blood, John was just grateful none of it belonged to him yet.Yes he had nothing to live for, but these men were whining in pain and crying out for their families. John just wanted to be shot straight through the heart, he didn’t need to lay dying think about his mistakes, thinking his Alexander would somehow come and save him. 

John had tried to scout out the leader of the British men to no avail, he just wanted this to stop. He had the papers to prove the war was over, but no one was listening to him. No matter how many times he raised his voice and how many times he wasted bullets at the sky. He should just wave the white flag, just like the British had done at Yorktown, but he couldn’t give up that easily. 

John couldn’t allow himself to stop, he wished the war hadn’t stopped. The war had made John feel alive, or that might have been Alexander. With the feeling he had right now though, it must have been the fighting, because John was motivated. John was going to kill every single one of these redcoats if they tried to hurt his men. For every man of his he had seen dead, he had shot the nearest redcoat without looking them in the eye. John was an angry man with nothing left but the men who were dying around him.

200 men, that’s how many he had when the British came, and how ever many had died where how many deaths John wanted to die. 

_John didn’t really want to die, he just knew that if he couldn’t have Alexander in this life. He would have to bring the next one around quicker, and the quicker he died, the quicker it would come._

John had been shooting to aimlessly and pointlessly that be didn't realise he had ran out of ammunition until the redcoat was on top of him. Pushing John helplessly to the ground. John closed his eyes and waited for the gunshot, or the knife, but it never came. Instead the man laughed. 

“I'm taking you to our General.” His British accent had been tainted by fighting the war on this side of the ocean. He could be a spy for all John knew, that's why his accent was flittering between what John knew and the strange charm of British voices. John didn’t disagree with the redcoat, just pulled himself to his feet and let his hands be tied together and a gag placed around his mouth. John couldn’t argue now. 

When his soldiers saw him walk past, John had to keep his eyes from filling with tears of guilt. They were so disappointed with him, John was going to free them. Take them from their masters and cut the bonds that tied them. Now John was going to died failing everyone he cared about, these men would return to their masters. Philip would live without knowing his Uncle Laurens and he couldn’t bare to think of his Alexander. 

_I have still a part for the public and another for you._

John refused to think about what would happen to that part of Alexander. The cautiously passionate part, yes Alexander was passionate in everything he did. With John though, he was through and quiet about it, relishing in the passion they shared between them. Sometime they wouldn’t speak for hours, but John would still know what Alexander was feeling. The calm, silent Alexander who would let his emotions spill to John, who would take his anger out on scraping his nails against John’s back or by marking his neck with teeth. John wouldn’t mind though, John would take it because he loved the way Alexander felt against him. Looking at the marks in the mirror would make it feel like Alexander was actually his, and he would leave Alexander with matching bruises from gripping his hips too hard or leaving his teeth on Alexander’s neck for a fraction too long. 

John was selfish to think that Alexander was still his, their relationship had been a lie. Nothing more than a quick fuck to stop the hurt of war. The last bruises of Alexander had faded weeks ago, John had nothing to remind him how he felt about Alexander, except for the memories that left his brain cloudy. 

John wasn’t paying attention to the British man anymore, just letting himself be pulled through the battlefield, never being sure if the noises underneath his boots was the sound of mud or blood underfoot. He couldn’t help but hope it was the former. 

Then he was thrown to his knees inside a tent, the hard flooring reverberating pains up his thighs. Oh how Alexander used to touch his thighs, stroking up the inside of them until John’s legs were shaking too much to even walk. John was never going to see Alexander again though, so John blocked Alexander from his brain, from consuming him for his death. It would long enough before they saw eachother again, John didn’t need to feel guilty about leaving Alexander alone. He already had enough guilt for his short life. The life he was sure was over in a few minutes time, after the British men had gave him a good lecture.

The gag was pulled down around his neck, “What you looking at?” John spat at the man that towered above his kneeling body. John felt beyond angry now, staring the man who was going to kill him in the eye. _Just do it already. Stop keeping me waiting_

“I know more than you think John Laurens,” The man spat back at him, spit hit John in the eye and if his hands weren’t bound John would have made a show of wiping it away, “You’re a disgust Mr. Laurens. I know about your treasonous affair with one of your fellow soldiers.” 

John just looked at the floor instead, John couldn’t believe this. If the British officers knew, who else had known? “Kill me already. I committed treason to you, to my homeland. I don’t regret it either. So why haven’t you shoot me already?” 

“If that is your wish, I will kill you. Your Alexander won’t miss you though, I’m sure you’ve heard about his wife and son.” The British man smiled with hatred, looking down on John, fiddling with his gun. 

“You know the war is over, you don’t have to kill me. Your men surrendered at the Battle of Yorktown.” John tried to change the subject, not to save his life, but to get it done quicker. John wanted the British to stop killing his men, he wanted his men to get away while they could.

The British looked at his second, “End the fighting, we’re keeping the Colonel, but the fighting here can end. We lost the war.” The second didn’t need to be told twice. He grabbed the white flag and ran outside, screaming for attention. The British general finally held his gun up, and John whimpered a little. For someone so willing to die, he was scared. Of course he was scared though, it was human nature to be scared. 

John had said to himself that he wouldn’t think of Alexander, but he couldn’t help find solace in the handsome, smiling face he remembered, while the gun was being raised to his head. He felt the pressure of the trigger being pulled and then it was black.

 

Juan was still crying all he could remember was that moment, the pressure that had been placed on his head. He went and found Xander without thinking then, climbing into his small bed and pressing his head into Xander’s hair. Letting the tears flow, Xander had done this a few hours after they first met, when he remembered how Aaron Burr shot him. Xander had remembered the pain of the gunshot in his ribcage, whereas Juan had been lucky to die instantly. 

“Alexander, baby girl.” Juan whispered, while he didn’t want to wake him, Juan wanted to be held by Xander. He kept wiping his wet eyes on the shoulder of Xander’s shirt hoping the small movement would ‘accidently’ wake him up.

Juan had taken to calling Xander, Alexander when he realised how much nicer it flowed off his tongue. _Alexander, his Alexander._

Then Eron did him a favour and slammed the door on his way to the bathroom. Xander started to stir a little, turning to bury his face in Juan’s chest. Then Xander realised Juan was there and his eye flew open? “J?” Xander said, putting his hands around Juan as if he was on autopilot, straight around his hips his fingertips brushing Juan’s waistband. 

“Baby girl, it was horrible.” Juan whimpered, his shaking body trying to stop itself. He tried stroking Xander’s hair to calm himself down, trying to fill his senses with Xander and not with the bullet that consuming his thoughts. “They shot me, in the head and I was gone.” 

“You’re not gone anymore John, you’re right here. With Alexander.” Xander wriggled around until Juan was resting on him and he wrapped his hands in his curly black hair. Neither of them brought up the fact that this was uncomfortable due to their size difference, but Xander wanted to hold his Laurens and keep him safe. 

“When you died, I missed you more than you know. I changed, I couldn’t look my wife in the eye for months. You have no idea how grateful I am to have you back,” Xander just kept talking, not even sure if he was helping because he could still feel Juan’s warm tears against his chest, “Do you want me to shut up?”

“No, don’t stop please.” Juan managed to croak out between his tears. Xander smiled a little, he loved that Laurens would let him talk so much. 

“You can forget about it, I know that your head hurts, but stop remembering and it’ll stop hurting,” They pulled each other closer than should have been possible. This had been hard because of Juan’s weird awakening, every other night he came to Xander with traumatic memories. One so traumatic, Juan had refused to sleep until he passed out three days later. 

Xander had caught him as he collapsed at the dinner table that evening, using his little upper body strength to carry his soulmate halfway across campus and lay him down in bed, wrapping the blanket around Juan and leaving him to sleep. He had woke up a full day later, having dreamed happy memories of meeting his Alexander. 

“It’s over though now, your death is always the last thing to come to you. No more sleepless nights, no more nightmares. Just you and me against the world J, but first go to sleep.” Xander’s voice was like water in Juan’s ears, flowing and smooth and strong. Exactly what Juan needed to support him right now. 

“I love you, baby girl.” Juan knew Xander was right, so he managed to stop his tears and he reached his head up to kiss Xander’s neck. Slowly applying more and more pressure so the spot he had chosen above the tan skin of Xander’s collarbone. Xander kissed the top of Lauren’s hair, grabbing his chin to try and put their mouths together. Juan pushed his teeth onto Xander instead of complying to his desire to kiss Juan. The smaller man groaned against curly hair and without accepting no for an answer, moved their mouths together. It could have been sweet, but Xander made it passionate and hot instead, he hadn’t wanted someone as much as Juan and now he could have him. 

They moved their bodies together, they had managed to flip round so Xander was sitting on Juan’s stomach. Their bodies fit together in perfect ways, the curve of Juan’s neck complementary to the curve of Xander’s forehead. It was slow but filled with lust and desire at the same time. They had so many years to learn each other’s new bodies, this time they weren’t rushed by war. They didn’t want to rush, but Xander couldn’t help himself as his hand roamed around Juan’s waistband and Juan couldn’t stop himself from pushing Xander’s shirt over his head. Leaving the tan skin to glow from the soft sunrise light drizzling through the blinds. 

Juan kept pressing kisses down Xander, trying to take in every molecule of his skin. “You’re beautiful, so beautiful.” Juan punctuated every word with a kiss. He wanted to mark Xander as his, but he couldn’t bring himself to discolour the skin that lay before him. 

“I can say the same about you my dearest Laurens. Don’t stop.” Xander’s voice was breathy, he wasn’t moaning, but losing his breath at the way Juan was making him fall apart. Xander had never felt so alive, Juan’s touch was electric, stimulating the nerves he touched to spark and flare. Fireworks on Xander’s skin. 

Xander couldn’t take it anymore, he pushed his hips down onto Juan’s and pulled his lips into a hot, searing kiss that sent vibrations down their souls. “Baby girl.” Juan moaned into Xander mouth, being cut off by a tongue connecting to his own. They did this in their past life too, thinking fucking would solve their problems.

* * *

It had been years since Xander and Juan had completed their souls, neither of them every forgoing the feeling that overcome them on that first day of college. Now Juan was stood at the altar, waiting for his Xander to walk down the aisle to marry him. 

The ceremony was smooth, and for this life there souls had been bound by the velvet ribbon that held their hands together. Then Juan could kiss Xander and he did, their loose hands entwining together. Finally they had learnt to kiss chastely, sweet, like they weren’t being rushed. They could have kept their wedding guests waiting a year until they parted, but kissing Xander was never slow enough. It always ended too quickly. 

“I found you again, Alexander. This is what I died for the first time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know if i want to write more in this universe. if i will it won't be lams, because I am not sure what else to write. (you can leave suggestions if you want though)

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is [here](http://kingroanofazgeda.co.vu)


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